Swallowing our ribbons
When we gather
Decorative and verdant
We are eating laughter
Tonight the air is high-drifting
Between us the space is rifting
We will be tongue twisting
By deluding what we can see
Flower bloom of night
Can still blossom inside me
Crowned lily, the fair green diadem
My despoiled body that sprouts fall within
We’re come in search to prosper
We’re planted, we can grow
Out petals litter empty pavement
The lushness ebbs and flows
The world’s a lively painted face
And tonight, we will fuse our lands, our race
In earthly human synthesis
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The rhyming is a little strange, but that may be me liking the standard ABAB format of poetry.
One metaphor I didn't like, mostly because it bordered on ridiculousness for me was "we are eating laughter." I don't know... for me, the image conjures Mary Poppins in that one scene where everyone is laughing. Strange, I know. Maybe I missed something. But I still don't know how you can eat laughter, nor do I see how it connects very well with the purpose of the poem.
...basically? I like some of your other stuff better.
I read this over again, post your changes, and I swear the room just got brighter. It makes so much more sense now. Good work, you've earned a hug. *hug*
it was supposed to be "swallowing our ribbons." hha
and "painted faces"
i really have to work out typos...
It's a difficult poem to read...certain things like "Swallowing out ribbons" are very surreal. You may have been going for that, but I couldn't find much to identify with in it. The words sound nice, though!
Brian
I didn't like the rhyming, to be frank. In one part, it just got annoying and ruined the flow. However, the content itself is interesting and I think would be better expanded into a less rigid framework and explored more.
I can't understand it either, but that's only my new distressed persona.... But I still liked it... Heh. Good one... Xantham Gum... *Good one* Weeps. My favourite part was:
By deluding what we can see
Flower bloom of night
Can still blossom inside me
Some of your metaphors didn't make much sense to me. Though it could just be me, poetry isn't really my scene.
The first line especially "swallowing out ribbons"
I don't get it. It sounds good, but what's it supposed to mean?
And "Our petals litter empty pavement"
Is this some kind of weed? Growing through cracks or something? Other than that, I can't imagine why the petals would be on pavement.
The word structure flowed nicely, it all sounded good, but it didn't seem to be connected at all. You start out talking about ribbons and gatherings, then you start talking about dying flowers, then your on to world peace.
But it could just be me.